Shout Out

I follow a few blogs that I read when I really seriously need a pick me up, or a "what am I going to do tonight", and sometimes just a catch up because it has been too long. But they have made a difference in my life, and I don't think they know it, but yeah, I appreciate them. So here is to you:

Kalisha - thank you for your wonderful attitude, and for letting me share in your life. I am amazed at all of the things you are able to accomplish, and that you can be away from your husband for so long, and are willing to share all of your experiences. Hearing about your marriage is wonderful, and I appreciate being able to learn from you.

Kayla - man, you have a gift with words and expressing them, and expressing my emotions, maybe it is just my emotions that I feel oozing out of your words because you are such a good writer, or maybe we are experiencing similar things, I don't know, but I love reading your blogs. Funny, sad, leave me alone, spiritual, looking forward, self evaluation, you have it all. Thank you. My favorite quote from this weeks read that is going to help me get through this next little bit is, "Own who you are and don't be ashamed of it." Again, thank you for sharing.

I am an awful person and seriously do not talk with my siblings often enough, but I appreciate being able to stay connected with my family, at least a teeny, tiny bit through the following blogs:

Tiffany - "enjoy the laugh, embrace the pain, live for the moment" if I were to sum up this blog, that is what I would say. I appreciate reading here because things are said so directly that seriously you have to appreciate what is said, and learned from them

Teri - after them moving away this is the only connection (again, I know it is my fault) I have had with them, and I miss them being here so much that every post (even if it is few and far in between) is like a ray of sunshine

Spring - wonderful pictures are taken, personal successes are shared, challenges are overcome, and I am grateful to take part in some of it

April - reading here gives me a different perspective that I am able to use to evaluate my own life. Each day comes with new territory, and each day has its successes.

Joanna - the most consistent journal - I mean blog (well, really I mean both) writer I know. I appreciate having little glimpses into the lives of those I care about oh so much, and am grateful to learn from the daily tasks of life


To all of you, thank you. Thank you for helping me to look into my life and learn from you because you share.

My idea of Hell

I think hell is a place where we cannot change, where we are not willing to change, to grow to become better, but that we are stagnant in our carnal states for forever. With my husband gone, I have spare time that I have had time to think and evaluate where I am at. I don't know if I am stagnant or not. There are days and weeks that I feel like I am moving forward and up and there are days and weeks I know that I am completely stagnant. Luckily it isn't everything in life, but some things. May we all each day be moving, be moving forward and not stay stagnant.

normal?

Is it normal to feel like you have to find yourself again when you get married?

I am not used to Joey knowing everything about me, I am not used to him knowing me well enough to know what it is that I am going to do before even I do.... like those random times.
I am not used to not wanting to get out of bed (not a bad thing to have someone to snuggle with) but then wasting the morning away, and feeling guilty about it.
I am not used to juggling three families - ours, Smith's, and Finley's
I am not used to the normalcy of hearing Joey's voice, I wish I got more butterflies when I talked to him, rather than just expecting it.
I am not used to moving in, moving out.
I am not used to worrying so much about someone else.
I am not used to making decisions together - it is harder than one originally expects.
I am not used to coming home and not having him there.
I am not used to having someone to talk everything through with
I am not used to having someone love me wholly, that doesn't have to.

I wonder when it is going to feel normal, to feel like I am back to being myself all the time. Maybe it isn't being married at all, maybe it is having a real job and not being in school. Maybe it is that I have lost myself because I haven't been as good at doing those everyday, simple things that we are supposed to: reading scriptures, taking care of myself physically, taking time to get ready, etc.

Is it normal to want to have these emotions. I'm sure it is. I am sure that for everyone at this time of change they feel that they are on shaky ground. And yet, I know that I am where I am supposed to be, I know that I am doing the right thing, and that together Joey and I are both better and stronger, and that we have a long ways to go until we grow together. Grafting, right?!? That is how I feel still. I feel like I am being grafted, for my own good. but for the first little bit I still have a lot of growing to do. I guess I'm doing that.

Getting Nervous, and Excited

Today I went to lunch with Katie and Danielle, and then spent the afternoon chatting about the happenings of our lives. I had a lot of fun, and I really thank them for taking the time to come and let me know that they care, and are excited for me to get married. Then last night Joey and I went over to Mason's to be with an old friend. I really enjoyed myself, we only watched movies and talked a little bit to each other, but it was nice to be with friends. I think that I have missed having other people around, I hadn't noticed it until they were here, and I was doing things with them, but I appreciated them being around so much. I was thinking about it today, and perhaps the reason is because despite that I am SO excited to get married, and to spend my whole life with Joey, I am also really scared. As much as I would like to say that I know what I am getting into, I really don't. No two marriages are the same, and quite honestly, who knows how our life is going to turn out. Perhaps in just a few years our lives could be turned upside down with a little baby, or maybe not for a really long while, or maybe we will move far away together because of other opportunities, or will continue to live in Utah County for the rest of our lives. These thoughts are all scary and exciting to think about. Really, the whole world is out there for us. I am sure it will be wonderful, and I know that we will be very happy together, but the unknown is scary. So, spending time with people I have spent hours and hours with and that I know I can get together with again, and it will always feel familiar was nice and comfortable.
I am ready to move forward, but for yesterday, it was nice spending time with some old friends.

you may also find me at:
http://joeyandemilyfinley.blogspot.com/