normal?

Is it normal to feel like you have to find yourself again when you get married?

I am not used to Joey knowing everything about me, I am not used to him knowing me well enough to know what it is that I am going to do before even I do.... like those random times.
I am not used to not wanting to get out of bed (not a bad thing to have someone to snuggle with) but then wasting the morning away, and feeling guilty about it.
I am not used to juggling three families - ours, Smith's, and Finley's
I am not used to the normalcy of hearing Joey's voice, I wish I got more butterflies when I talked to him, rather than just expecting it.
I am not used to moving in, moving out.
I am not used to worrying so much about someone else.
I am not used to making decisions together - it is harder than one originally expects.
I am not used to coming home and not having him there.
I am not used to having someone to talk everything through with
I am not used to having someone love me wholly, that doesn't have to.

I wonder when it is going to feel normal, to feel like I am back to being myself all the time. Maybe it isn't being married at all, maybe it is having a real job and not being in school. Maybe it is that I have lost myself because I haven't been as good at doing those everyday, simple things that we are supposed to: reading scriptures, taking care of myself physically, taking time to get ready, etc.

Is it normal to want to have these emotions. I'm sure it is. I am sure that for everyone at this time of change they feel that they are on shaky ground. And yet, I know that I am where I am supposed to be, I know that I am doing the right thing, and that together Joey and I are both better and stronger, and that we have a long ways to go until we grow together. Grafting, right?!? That is how I feel still. I feel like I am being grafted, for my own good. but for the first little bit I still have a lot of growing to do. I guess I'm doing that.

Getting Nervous, and Excited

Today I went to lunch with Katie and Danielle, and then spent the afternoon chatting about the happenings of our lives. I had a lot of fun, and I really thank them for taking the time to come and let me know that they care, and are excited for me to get married. Then last night Joey and I went over to Mason's to be with an old friend. I really enjoyed myself, we only watched movies and talked a little bit to each other, but it was nice to be with friends. I think that I have missed having other people around, I hadn't noticed it until they were here, and I was doing things with them, but I appreciated them being around so much. I was thinking about it today, and perhaps the reason is because despite that I am SO excited to get married, and to spend my whole life with Joey, I am also really scared. As much as I would like to say that I know what I am getting into, I really don't. No two marriages are the same, and quite honestly, who knows how our life is going to turn out. Perhaps in just a few years our lives could be turned upside down with a little baby, or maybe not for a really long while, or maybe we will move far away together because of other opportunities, or will continue to live in Utah County for the rest of our lives. These thoughts are all scary and exciting to think about. Really, the whole world is out there for us. I am sure it will be wonderful, and I know that we will be very happy together, but the unknown is scary. So, spending time with people I have spent hours and hours with and that I know I can get together with again, and it will always feel familiar was nice and comfortable.
I am ready to move forward, but for yesterday, it was nice spending time with some old friends.

you may also find me at:
http://joeyandemilyfinley.blogspot.com/

Engagement Photos

BIG Realizations....

So, I have been crying at the drop of a hat the past for days. I think it has been the idea of change and moving into new territory, the usual stress of life and growing up. And then, tonight Joey and I watched "13 going on 30" and I think I made a really big realization. For those of you who know me, you know that I have never wanted to grow up, I have always wanted to be little and wanted to always stay little. I even had a Christmas where I really didn't like the idea that I was big and spent Christmas Eve crying in my bed, my brother and my Mom came in to comfort me to let me know that Even when you are big Christmas is still a magical experience, and is quite wonderful. Abby and I have had many conversations about me not wanting to grow up because of the heartache and the responsibilities it holds, my roommates and I have had many nights filled with awe at how although we were growing up, and were getting closer, that we still felt little, how I wanted to stay back, go back to being little, and how most of them wanted to move on, grow up, be big. Anyways, back to the movie: the main girl, she just wanted to be big, she wanted to be 30. At first it is everything she ever thought it would be, and then reality hits. In the movie, I know that she is distraught because of the choices she made, but at one point in the movie she goes back home, and is thinking about her life, her life as a little girl, wanting to be that little girl, and yet is there trapped in this older body. You know, that feeling was VERY very real to me. I certainly would not mind going back and being four again. But you know what? Unlike this girl in the movie, I have not regretted the choices I have made in my life and am very excited for what is ahead of me. And quite honestly, it would be very sad to live my life as a four year old and to have the rest of the world grow up around me, I would wonder why it was that I never got to have a prince come for me, or why I never got to stay up late, or why I had to always listen to someone else and do what they want me to. I was sitting there watching this movie with Joey and my mom, and for the first time, in well, I was going to say ever, but I know that when I was little my mother banned me from growing up, and turning another year older, and it was a sad day for me then, BUT it is the first time that I can remember that I have ever WANTED to grow up. It was the first time that I was truly excited for all that is ahead of me. Not saying it is going to be a cake walk at all, but certainly saying there is MUCH to look forward to. I know that I am marrying the right person, he makes me want to progress, he makes me want to be better, and I love him so much. I am excited to marry him, to watch us both graduate, to see him start his career, to have our first child, to buy a home, to have a dog and to train it. How exciting will it be to have my own little family, to raise a family, to create traditions, to love and grow and learn more. To grow old together, and spend eternity with him.
I am not wanting to go back. I am not wanting to be little again. Those comforts still are very nice every now and again, and something that was wonderful. I will cherish those memories, hopefully for my entire life. But, I am so excited for the future. I am excited to grow up and be with Joey for eternity, to have our own little family, and to learn and grow together.