For all of you who might ask and don't want to be out of line, and want to feel like they are a part of the happenings of my life, here is the story of the week:
Last Tuesday I was asked to go to Homecoming with Dan, it sounded like it was going to be perfect, and I was SO excited for it, the opportunity to go and get all dressed up and look pretty again. Yes, I was looking forward to it. Later that night I went to the testing center on a stomach full of vending machine pizza....microwaved......it was nasty. And that night got really sick, threw-up and ended sleeping through all of Wednesday. Thursday my Mom put my hair in curlers, and I was all set for Friday's dance. On my way home from American Fork High School I picked up a boutonniere, and went to class. Came home, got all cute, and ready, and Dan came and picked me up. He looked sharp, and I was thinking we looked like a good match. Then over to his place and we had baked potatoes, stake and salad with John and Brittany, played a game or two of UNO, and then off to the dance. On the drive John was being our juke box and singing Disney songs before being quieted by Dan wanting to contribute more to the conversation than silence. But we talked about string theory, and you know, everyone was able to contribute so much more to that. As we got to the dance Dan tensed up, and I sensed that he felt awkward, so much so, that he couldn't see past the walls he placed around himself. I figured it was his first dance and he was just nervous, but that I could show him that it could be fun, and that we could have fun together, so made an effort to make it better for the whole group. I asked him to dance with me on the slow dance, and he was still just uncomfortable. He brought up how he was too old for dances, and that he didn't fit into this crowd, how I would have so much more fun if I was there with someone else, and a number of other things. I tried comforting him, but to no avail. We then went and took pictures, and then were about to start to dance again and he REALLY tensed up. I pulled him aside and asked what the problem was. Got the same answer and felt like he didn't want to be there at all, even if it was with me, and that I looked pretty, and was trying to make it better for him, it didn't matter, I was frustrated that he would ask me to go do something with him that he didn't want to be at, and that non the less, HE had asked me to go and do with him. Oh well, maybe it was just on off night.
Saturday we did homework, and were very productive, at least I was proud of all that I got done. It was fun to enjoy each other's company and to laugh, and talk about the night before just briefly, but to understand where we each were coming from.
With church from one to four and then dinner after that, and reading scriptures, etc. Sunday is not quite the same as when you have 9 o'clock church. Anyways, I was reading the Ensign, and with my roommates, and doing calling stuff, talking to family etc and only was able to talk to Dan online, because I didn't want to go over to his place, I was already in my pajamas, and he didn't offer to come over here, but that was fine, I get to see him often enough that one evening wasn't that big of a deal. We talked about what we learned in church, and were talking about our relationship a little bit, and I asked him if he wanted to bring up the concerns that he had on Friday again, and if he wanted to talk through them because it seemed like he was still a little bothered by them, and I wanted to know what it was that I could do differently. I don't think that we even touched on his concerns from Friday, but he certainly brought up other concerns that he had with dating me, and after hearing everything that was brought up, I seriously have no idea why he liked me, for he didn't know me, didn't want to get to know me, and if he thought that he did, he certainly didn't like what he was seeing, and didn't know if he was committed to it. I signed off-line crying, he emailed me directly after this, but I was not online until the next day, and did not get this ..... low and behold get a phone call from him, no, didn't want to talk, he just hurt me, so I didn't answer, justifiably..... then a phone call from this girl in my ward, calling to see how I was doing because blahblah-blah, didn't answer that either. The next morning I got a text from him, which I responded to, and then went to class to come out to find a concerned voicemail from my mother.
Dan had emailed my father to apologize for hurting me, and wanted to let him know that he thought I was a daughter of God. WHAT?!?! yes, that is what I was thinking too..... I wait, and there is no communication from him. I did get some beautiful flowers from my roommates though who were concerned over my emotional well-being. SO NICE of them. They, along with a few kind family members, got me through these past few days. I have to learn how to laugh at the situation, bah-ha, well, I guess he wanted it to end. After all that has happened. What else was I to conclude?!?! Monday night I called him to see if he had anything to say in his defense, and yes, he felt justified, he felt badly that he had hurt me, but he still honestly had those concerns, and I was still hurt/hurting by the comments, so was probably not the most patient or kind in responding to him. I asked him what he would have done had I not called, and he said that he would have done nothing. He asks what that means of us, and I honestly responded that I was still hurting and was probably not in the most rational state to make a decision, and that I realized that. He asks if he can call me the next day, I tell him that I will be in class/taking a test until 10-10:30 at night, he then responded that he was leaving town on Thursday and wouldn't be back until Sunday, so would it be alright if he called then....... sure you can do what you want.
Wednesday morning rolls along, and I feel like it would be better to talk to him in person, and that this needs to get resolved, and that I was still hurting, and thinking about his concerns, and email him asking if he would be willing to meet later that night. So, I headed over to his place, get there, and he talks about his day, asks me about mine, and then talks about his plans for the weekend, and then well, breaks up with me. He said after all that has happened between us, it is just too hard, and that now that I was committed to making this work, that he had to question himself, and found that the previous week he found himself doubting and felt like it wasn't supposed to be. There you go. So I guess that I am a free woman again. I'm excited to spend more time with my roommates, and I don't want to be with someone that thinks poorly of me, so I guess it is for the better. And yes, I know that there are plenty of fish in the sea, and that I am young yet, but it still hurts.
So, now that I have written my novel, I think that I have answered the bulk of the questions that I will get in the next little bit. And the fact that really only my family, Abby and Danielle read this, I guess that I would want you all to know what is going on anyways, so there it is, the story.
and while looking at my room, you should notice the popsicle cabin on my shelf, proof that even life's happenings occur. Mostly, I think that I love that I feel safe here, it has taken awhile for me to feel comfortable anywhere but my home, and those places I knew growing up. But I do, I feel safe here, I know that I can feel the spirit here, and that I can be productive, and that it is fun here too. I love kneeling on the floor and having apartment prayer, I love sitting at my desk and catching up with the lives of those I love as I read their blogs. It has become my home sweet home.
